mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
