Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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