quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
