32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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