Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
