I am midnight drunk by noon
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
