I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
