I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
