i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
