I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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