I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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