Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
