new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Randomize
