Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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