Only a mothe r could love this liver
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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