Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
