names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
