I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
