That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you traded sex for a burrito?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
