I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
