On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
hell yes lets make some ravioli
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
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