I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
