so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
