i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
