the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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