I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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