omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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