you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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