Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize