I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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