Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Life is so much better after having sex.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
