my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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