the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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