I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
