I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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