My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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