My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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