Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
