Four minutes until I can fart!
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
