had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
