Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
