Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
