I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
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