just tell him i said nine months
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
