Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
