So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
