I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
