My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
