based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
