Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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