the condom got lost in my hair
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
