I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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