Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
