Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
The Olympian is in my bed
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
