just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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