I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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