I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
