Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
